Exposing40

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Blooming

Today my weeks in lockdown reach double figures (I isolated a week early because I was sick). Like almost everybody my experience of time is warped. Things I did last weekend feel like a month ago yet ten weeks seems to have passed in a flash.

While so much of this entire chapter has been truly terrible and it makes me sad and very angry if I think too much about it, personally there have been parts of it I’ve enjoyed. I was chatting to a friend yesterday about my experience of lockdown and he replied: ‘You’re a survivor’. I think survivor is a too grandiose word, but I am very good at adapting and making the most of situations rather than letting them get the better of me. Of course, I haven’t sailed through it completing unscathed – I’ve had two separate days where I felt really sad and lonely and one evening I got myself unnecessarily upset about something I should know better than to dwell on and picked a petty argument. But largely my bubble has been a happy place.

Early on I decided to make food a hobby not just a function and trying new recipes and delivering treats to my neighbours and the friends who live close enough for a doorstep drop has brought hours of pleasure. I’ve loved exploring parts of my neighbourhood that I didn’t know existed, although when I sent my oldest friends a sound recording of birdsong in a wood one of them responded with: ‘Is this your emergency message, have you been kidnapped?’ I’ve had some epic clear outs indoors and in the garden, got through four and a half series of Mad Men, watched stage shows I’d never pay to see and enjoyed them. Still only on part two of my BSL course though!

Perhaps the most satisfying thing has been doing a forensic dive into my finances. I have always lived beyond my means and been too quick to put things on credit cards rather than say no. This situation has forced me to have some honest conversations with myself and the lack of anything to spend money on is a unique opportunity to pay off credit cards in four figure chunks not minimum monthly payments. I’m being explicit about this because one thing I’ve done is attend a seminar about women and finance and one of the key takeaways was women need to talk about money more. It’s one of the very few things we don’t talk to our friends about and we are literally and metaphorically poorer for it.

Related to money is work and that’s been the biggest success for me. At the beginning of this all our shoots and training sessions were abruptly pulled and we had no idea how we’d come through this. Two months on we’ve repurposed the business and it’s blooming. I hope soon it will also be booming! I’ve always loved my work but at the moment it feels new and exciting and the time and effort that we’re ploughing into it makes it feel like we’re just starting out again, but this time with the experience from chapter one to feed into it.

While lockdown has been good for me, I’m ready to come out of my bubble. I want to see my family and hug my friends. I want to go for a swim. I want a haircut and a pedicure. And I don’t want to be physically distanced from partners and lovers anymore. As I come out of the period of business and financial stock taking my libido is shaking off its dust. For a while my daily photos and the messages and photos I’d receive in return were enough. But not anymore. I want to kiss and fuck and cuddle. I want to have my hair pulled and my arse slapped. I want to breathe in the smell of necks and and run my fingers through chest hair. I’ve sorted business, finance, home and garden, I want the rest of my life back now.

Sinful Sunday

10 Comments

  1. I love the positive way you have ‘used’ the lockdown, and the positive note of this post. The beautiful flowers seem to complement the positivity in your words 🙂
    ~ Marie

  2. What a wonderful bunch… ive been so impressed with your photographic output throughout all of this. I knew you’d be someone who make the best out of this situation. Looking forward to future adventures.
    Missy x

  3. Blooming lovely read … and blooming lovely photo.
    Creative … and sexy … as always !!!
    Xxx – K

  4. I absolutely love this picture!

  5. The words and image are both beautiful. Thanks for sharing…

  6. This is blooming lovely!

    For me time is flying by and yet is seems so long ago that I actually saw another human that I wanted to see. I get increasingly frustrated by those that ignore the measures but overall I’m lucky that very little has changed. Unless I listen to my hormones which tell me all the bad things!

  7. Wow – those flowers are so pretty! What a really beautiful image x

  8. This is fucking gorgeous! I can’t imagine how you’re taking such beautiful photos every single day, but I definitely relate to having reached the point that you just want the rest of your life back.

  9. This is a wonderful image 🙂

  10. I have truly struggled with this whole thing. Not the staying at home, as I was kind of used to that, but being cut off from seeing the few people I want to see. I will say the last couple of weeks since we got the puppy have been easier but like you I am beyond ready to venture out and make a few physical connections.

    Molly

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